Today’s Four days ago my birthday. There. I said it. I can’t remember if I capitalize “I” or not on this blog. I never *still haven’t gotten around to making a style guide.
*Positivity. Manifesting, etc.

I don’t typically like my birthday. It’s fine, but just not my favorite day or anything. I guess I don’t like all the attention. Well, mostly. I like attention in general, obviously, but I want to earn it.

My therapist recently told me I needed to practice “the skill of receiving.” To be clear, my hands are still as good as they’ve always been. But apparently I struggle to accept compliments, or even kindness in general, from other people.

Just now (again, four days ago), my friend Sam offered to pull a footstool over to me while am I sitting here typing, and my first instinct was to say no. Impossible. I simply cannot allow my friend to do this for me. I’ve done nothing to deserve such a kind act.

They were sweeping the floors, and I was just sitting in a chair, looking at my laptop. I’m a guest in their home. Occupying space and using up oxygen without paying so much as a dime of rent. It just felt wrong to allow them to do another kind thing for me.

Naturally, Sam ignored my hesitation, reminded me that today was my birthday and I should let someone show me some kindness. They then spent 2 seconds of their life to move the stool in front of me, and resumed sweeping.

There it is again. All this kindness because it’s my birthday, an anniversary of a day when I did pretty much nothing, while my mom and the C-Section surgery team made sure I would “arrive alive” to… well, outside of the womb, I guess.

Sometimes, on my birthday, I feel like Vito Corleone. People come to me with their happy birthday‘s on this, the day of my birth. Implying that someday, and that day may never come (it definitely will come–every year–in fact), they will call upon me to say happy birthday to them. And then the cycle continues.

Somewhere along the way between all these May 6th’s, I’ve picked up a habit of viewing life as transactional. I don’t want any of my friends or loved ones to think I am taking so much from them without giving enough back. So recently, I’ve been trying to force myself to remember that not every person who does a nice thing is motivated by an IOU. They do nice things because they don’t want to find a horse head in their bed.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to convince myself that I can do it alone, without anyone else’s help. It feels less scary that way. Trusting and relying on other people is hard, because I’ve been hurt by them in the past. And yet, I just keep finding myself in need of help. The human experience simply refuses to release its crushing grip on me.

If you’re reading this, you probably know who I am. I assume we’ve spent a good amount of time together, or at least shared enough nice interactions to develop a familiar vibe.

Or maybe you’re a stranger! In which case: Wow! Thanks for reading! But also, why are you reading this? Don’t stop now–you can just tell me when you finish.

I want to give fair warning that this next part is more for the people who do know me, but you can totes play along. In fact I’d love to be parasocial friends!

Now, I have a confession for you, my friend/acquaintance. This confession applies to you regardless of how we met–maybe we were introduced by a mutual friend, maybe we sat next to each other in a class, maybe we got paired together during an icebreaker activity. Maybe we shared an elevator ride even though one of us was secretly hoping that the other wouldn’t make it in before the doors closed.

The circumstances and details that led to that moment when we met don’t really matter. Because what really led to that moment, was the moment before it, and those moments were all the same. You and I were there, together, and neither of us were saying anything.

In that moment of silence, I was afraid. Terrified, really. That’s my confession.

Why? Because in that silence, I felt alone. I needed to reach out and make a friend, or an acquaintance, or just to experience any kind of connection with another person–even a few seconds of small talk.

My mind was racing through all the ways I could break the silence and somehow ruin both of our days. I’d make a joke, and it would offend you. My voice could crack, my pants would fall down, or I’d projectile vomit all over you.

Or, worst of all, maybe none of those nightmares would happen. Instead, I’d just say: “Hi, I’m Josh, nice to meet you,” in a completely normal way, but you wouldn’t reply. You wouldn’t introduce yourself, and you certainly wouldn’t agree with my gross assumption of it being “nice to meet” each other. I was afraid that you would see something in me–or maybe you’d already seen it–that would make you prefer the silence over talking to me.

I don’t know what you were feeling in that moment. Maybe you felt the same way–maybe you were also nervous or scared. But, in that moment, one of us realized something. The terrifying moment wasn’t going to end on its own. The only way to move on to the next moment, and to make that fear go away, was to say reach out and say something.

So, thank you for saying something. Or, if I was the one to reach out first, then thank you for reaching back. In the 26 years I’ve been alive, so many the moments I’ve had have been like that one–terrifying. But you made that moment a bit less terrifying for me. And I know we’ve shared lots of great moments since then.

I’m glad things aren’t so scary anymore.

Thank you all for reading. I wish it hadn’t been so long since I last posted. I was a bit busy, and kept feeling like every time I tried to write, I’d end up writing about nothing. The old “Writer’s Block”, I guess.

I don’t really know the cure for it other than to keep trying, even if I write a few posts about mostly nothing. I’m going back and forth on the something-to-nothing ratio for this particular post. The word “moment” no longer looks like a word to me, but I think overall I actually feel pretty good about this one. So I guess we’re off to a good start! I hope to post more frequently again soon!

Thanks again – Josh

Part 3 of the how dudes be rockin series

I’ll write it again–Nice guys finish last. How many times have you seen or heard this phrase before? And in how many different contexts have you seen it used? I’m not sure how often it’s said anymore, but I certainly heard it enough in my life growing up. 

Throughout my last few blog posts, I’ve mentioned several phrases like this one, which are (in the US, at least) almost universally known by men and boys. You could dismiss them as clichés sayings that don’t really mean anything. However, I think that their sheer popularity warrants some analysis. 

These are proverbs–messages of advice or pieces of general truth describing the concept of  masculinity, or what it means to be a man. And of all of these proverbs we’ve discussed, I think this one might encapsulate the issues of toxic masculinity most perfectly. 

What do you think, fellas? To quickly sum up my thoughts, I think “nice guys finish last” sends a few key messages to the “guys” it describes and addresses. 

• You’re in a competition–just in general, I guess.
• Other men are your opponents.
• If you’re nice, you’re going to lose.

Right of the bat, let me make myself clear–I think this is a stupid and harmful idea. However, that doesn’t mean that it is completely useless advice. A lot of your life will involve competing against others. Not for medals or trophies, but for resources you need to survive. 

When someone else is hired for the job you applied for, it’s not just a blow to your pride. You’re missing out on income to pay for water, food and shelter, as well as insurance for healthcare needs. 

Being “nice” is often conflated with being selfless. “Nice guys finish last” isn’t a condemnation of nice or selfless behavior. It’s more of a warning. Forgoing your own wants and needs in favor of someone else’s is noble. However, someone out there might try to take advantage of your efforts to be nice, with no intention of returning that selflessness.

Unfortunately, there will be many times when taking the high road doesn’t benefit you at all. You’ll end up in the same place as everyone who took the low road, but your path was more difficult, or maybe less cathartic. Or, as this proverb seems to imply, you might arrive after everyone else, or maybe not even make it there at all.

For how commonplace this phrase is, I always figured that its origin would be lost to time. I had it in my head that sayings like these start out as something some guy said once, and then they happen to catch on.

However, it turns out that a quick search for nice guys finish last first use yields some very well-documented results. I’ve gotta say, the debunking of the saying’s mythos really takes the wind out of its sails.

The first utterance of “nice guys finish last” was not spoken by a dark, broody cowboy in an equally dark saloon, while lighting a cigar to celebrate hustling some oil baron at the poker table. Instead of the old west, its birthplace was New York, in 1946. During a conversation between two baseball managers.

Both of the pictures above are of Leo Durocher. I guess the second one is labeled, so you probably knew that. But either way, this is the guy who started it all. While managing the Brooklyn Dodgers, Durocher told Mel Ott, player/manager for the New York Giants, that his team was a lot of nice guys, but nice guys finish last. Here’s a retelling of the conversation from Durocher’s book:

I called off his players’ names as they came marching up the steps behind him, “Walker Cooper, Mize, Marshall, Kerr, Gordon, Thomson. Take a look at them. All nice guys. They’ll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last.”

And to be fair, at that moment, the Giants were literally in last place with the worst record in the league. This article by Hannah Keyser is a good read if you’re interested in learning more about the conversation where the phrase was coined.

Durocher was proud enough of that line that he made it the title of his book. Honestly, I’d do the same thing myself, if I came up with such a prolific phrase. But also, it’s very funny to me that this phrase spawned from two guys talking shit to each other at a baseball game. Now that I know more about the good word, maybe I should review/rethink my initial analysis of “nice guys finish last.”

• You’re in a competition–just in general, I guess.
• Other men are your opponents.
• If you’re nice, you’re going to lose.

Damn, looks like I knocked it out of the park (zing), even without any context from the actual origin of this idea. I didn’t need to do any research after all. But at least it’s reassuring to know that NGFL (new acronym I’m trying out, get your wristbands here) was first said in reference to an actual game, instead of a job opening, or getting a girl’s phone number or something.

All that being said, I don’t personally care for or agree with this idea. For one, it’s used all the time to excuse bad behavior by men–unwarranted aggression, selfishness, misogyny, etc. I think it’s wrong. I’ve been called a nice guy many times, and I take pride in that title. Granted, I’m not a perfectly selfless person, but regardless, when I look at my life, I think I’m far from last place.

Meanwhile, what place is Leo Durocher in? Ah. Well, RIP I guess. For those who can’t access that obituary because of the paywall (myself included), I will include an excerpt from it:

Perhaps major league baseball’s best example of the win-at-all-costs manager… Durocher always placed heavy reliance on physical and psychological intimidation of the enemy, the army of foes that, to him, included the umpiring crews. To him, base hits, hook slides and sharp-breaking curveballs were important, but equally so were sharp spikes, beanballs and umpire-baiting.

So there it is. Durocher seems to have mostly succeeded at his goal of “win at all costs,” he even won the World Series once. And whenever I croak, I doubt I’ll get a half-page obituary in the Times. But I can rest easy knowing my obituary won’t recount how I cheated and played dirty to get my wins.

I’m very tempted to end the post there, but I have to include one last thing. When I was telling my lovely, amazing girlfriend my ideas for this post, she posed an interesting question. When people say “nice guys finish last,” they put the onus on the guys, or the players. There’s an implied question: What are you willing to do to win? But maybe, what we should be asking instead, is: Who’s fixing the race?

Thanks for reading, friends!
Love, Josh

Part 2: How Dudes Be Talkin

After a week off, I’m back, folks. I’m going to do my best to push myself to write every week, but I must admit that it is definitely easier to write a post every two weeks. However, I’m not ready to cut back to that yet!

So fellas—though to be clear, everyone is welcome to participate—what did we learn from that last post? Hopefully you didn’t feel too attacked, because again, that’s not my goal. I want this to be a conversation, not a lecture.

But really, did you identify with any of the experiences I mentioned in the last post? Have you experienced something similar? Or maybe wildly different? I’ve always been fascinated by dating stories, so please share if you have a good one!

I’d like for us to broaden our horizons from our previous niche of “men on dates”. In college, I studied a lot of interpersonal communication, and a lot of the courses I took examined communication through a gendered lens. From a very early age, we’re taught to tailor our communication strategies and choices depending on the sex and gender of our audience.

There are plenty of examples in film and television where a male character is told something along the lines of “you shouldn’t talk that way in front of a lady.” We all know that one, right fellas? Maybe we’ve even heard it in real life as well. You can’t say certain things in front of women. Why? To be honest, I don’t often hear any reasoning for it, and the reasons I have heard usually don’t seem to apply universally.

But regardless, that’s the rule, right? If there’s a girl around, there’s stuff you just can’t say. But as soon as the girl is gone, you can say whatever you want!

Maybe that’s what leads to another cliché often seen on the screen, the “no girls allowed” sign. And that has its own set of problems, obviously. Gatekeeping is generally uncool, because no one likes feeling excluded. But as a dude, I have always been allowed past those signs, and I can tell you that the club isn’t always that fun.

Men, think about the last conversation you had with your male friends. What does that conversation generally look like? What do you talk about? Movies? Sports? Videogames? Beer? What sort of things do you say to each other?

Typically, I’d like to think that my male friends and I are able to avoid doing and saying things that might fall under the “toxic masculinity” umbrella. But if someone read a transcript of our last conversation, probably a lot of our conversations, I’m not sure the reader could tell that we’re friends.

Scene 1 — The fellas are at their local Chili’s Grill & Bar, enjoying some drinks together. JOHN takes a sip of his light beer.
RYAN: How’s that light beer taste, you little bitch?
JOHN: It tastes like fuck you, asshole.

I can imagine explaining to the reader “See, here, when Ryan calls John a ‘little bitch’ for drinking light beer, and John responds ‘fuck you, asshole’, they’re being facetious. Just teasing a little bit, you know? Busting each other’s balls. Most of the group laughed after that exchange.”

What do you think? Do John and Ryan have a close, caring friendship? I would say no, because I just made those characters up and wrote that scene in 3 minutes. But regardless of if you answered yes or no, we have things to discuss.

I won’t pretend that’s not a perfect representation of how dudes talk to each other, but I can assure you that I’ve heard many, many exchanges that strike a similar tone. One guy turns to another guy and says something that is pretty much objectively mean to say, even if he was “just joking around, bro”.

A lot of times this can take the form of an appearance-based insult. Maybe your shoes are dirty, or (perhaps worse) too clean. Your black jacket makes you look like an edgelord, or your green phone case is flamboyant or girly. Are you trying a new hairstyle? You’d better be ready to hear about it from the fellas.

Side note: In contrast to the typical male friend group behavior, I’ve recently been spending a lot of time with a group of people in which I’m the only he/him-identifying member. I don’t think any of the others in that group have ever insulted what I was wearing. In fact, they’re very often explicitly supportive of each other, including me, whenever someone decides to wear something new or exciting. And yet, they still offer constructive criticism of a style choice if they’re asked for it.

Honestly, the more time I spend with that group, the better I feel about myself. I’m thankful for that positivity. Food for thought, fellas.

Now let’s jump back to Saturday (which is for the boys, if you hadn’t heard back in 2013). Imagine now, that you’re the other guy, who’s had his shoes/jacket/phone/hair criticized by someone he calls his friend. You’ve been insulted, rather ruthlessly, and all eyes are on you. What do you do?

I typically respond by laughing it off, denying it, or maybe I’ll just say something equally mean, or meaner back to them. But one option that never crosses my mind is to say “hey, that hurt my feelings.” And often, that’s ok, because often we are truly just joking, and my feelings are truly not hurt.

But when a joke goes to far, or when something does hurt my feelings, I still almost never think to admit it. Admitting that I’ve been hurt in some way is showing weakness, and men are pretty heavily conditioned not to do that. Instead you’re supposed to “be a man” or “man up”, although no one has ever really told me how.

From what I’ve seen, to “man up”, one can choose from a few different options:

• Conceal any pain you might be feeling
• Yell at someone
• Say something to hurt someone or make them feel small
• Threaten someone
• Hit something or break something
• Hit someone
• Storm off

I could go on, but I might get depressed. I’ve seen close friends do all of these things to each other. I’m not proud to say that I’ve even done some of these things before myself.

Sure, sometimes we do out of character things when we’re upset, and/or under the influence of alcohol or other substances. And sometimes these behaviors blow over very quickly, or before they’ve even happened. Sometimes someone stops once they realize what they’re doing.

Maybe some of these behaviors have an appropriate time and place, but do you think your friends deserve to have any of these things done to them? I don’t. These are objectively poor problem solving methods.

I used to think that when someone hurt me, I might have to hurt them in response, to show them how they made me feel and make them think twice before doing it again. But that doesn’t really solve the problem. It just brings more trauma into that relationship. And where does that end? Do you just keep hurting each other back and forth? That outcome seems far more likely that making things “even”.

Personally, I struggle to admit vulnerability. I’m also very impulsive. When someone hurts me, my brain usually jumps to one of the things I listed above before I’ve thought about saying “I felt hurt/small/bad when you said/did that.” But just like you, I assume, I’m trying to improve. I still have more work to do, but I have already gotten better!

That’s my piece, now it’s your turn again (because this is a conversation, remember?) What do you think? Am I being too sensitive about the fellas busting each others’ balls?

I have plenty more to say about the communicative behaviors of men, but for now, I have to get ready for a date. I think I’ll wear something new and fun, because I know my girlfriend will support me if I do 🙂

Thanks for reading!
-Josh

A few entries ago (hopefully this sounds better than “last year”) I wrote about the “Dudes Rock” phenomenon. And while I still hold true to the Dudes Rock philosophy, I must air some grievances I have with you, dudes. But where to start?

There are already enough posts on the internet devoted to scolding men for being bad. For the record, I don’t think all men are bad! Some of my best friends are men! So don’t think of this as a scolding, but a discussion. Kind of like “the fellas” groupchat, you know? A brainstorming session to figure out how to be good, or be better.

So again, not scolding, but the first step to improvement requires us to acknowledge the areas where we have room for improvement.

Part 1: Dudes on dates

Context: About a year ago, I decided to get back into the dating game. My last relationship ended in January of 2018, and after graduation I felt like I needed to prioritize other things (read: get my shit together) before thinking about dating again. That process took a lot longer than I thought, and is actually still going on, but that’s ok.

Long story short, I went on quite a few dates last summer. At least enough to notice a pattern of me accidentally impressing women. “Accidentally” as in: doing stuff I thought was just basic human decency. To show you what I mean, I’ve prepared a little slideshow.

Disclaimer–The following poorly drawn images depict the anecdotal dating experiences of the author. The author’s dating experiences almost solely consist of a man and a woman meeting each other for dinner and/or drinks at a restaurant of some kind.
The author is aware of how boring he is, and he is fine with that.

After you get to their car, you’re on your own. Or, if you want more advice, you’ll have to consult me privately–though I’ll warn you my fee is not modest.

So, are any of those behaviors worth the surprised praise they received? You tell me! Leave a comment, tweet at me, whatever you want!

I’d like to think I provide a pretty good date experience, but some of the people I met were legitimately surprised at this stuff. More than once, I heard something like:
“Wow, so you’re just a really nice guy, huh?”

Yes? I hope so? I don’t always feel very nice, but I do try to be kind and respectful to other people. Especially someone who agrees to go out on a date with me!

Sure, it always feels nice to receive praise. But it kind of bums me out that these women consider me an impressively nice guy compared to whomever else they’ve dated. Clearing the bar doesn’t feel as good after you realize just how low the bar is. Why are the expectations for men so low?

Well, for one, going on a date is a vulnerable experience. Asking someone on a date is also a very vulnerable experience, and one that is more common for men, due to societal expectations, etc. Exposing yourself to that vulnerability is scary. And when we’re scared, we tend to become a little more selfish. It’s just a natural instinct.

Fellas, I can understand making some poor choices or honest mistakes in the dating game due to feeling self-conscious. I’ve been there many times. But standards don’t fall this low due to coincidence or a few honest mistakes, so there must be something more.

Part of the “Dudes Rock” mantra is being secure in one’s self. Many men will just do whatever they want, or whatever feels good to them, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I shared many examples of this in my original “Men Are Trash, but Dudes Rock” post, such as:

Imagine this–You’re talking to a friend, one you’ve known and trusted for a long time. You say to them: “I have a date on Friday night. What do I do?” How do they respond?

If this were a Family Feud question, my guess would be: “Just be yourself.”
If this were an episode of Seinfeld and you were George Costanza, you’d say something like: “Be myself?! I can’t be myself, nobody likes that guy!”

George has a point. When you think about you, you think of all your flaws and shortcomings. Exposing them to someone else seems like a surefire way to turn your first date into your last date. But trust me on this, your friend is much smarter than George Costanza. Listen to them.

As scary as it is, when you’re on a date, you should be yourself. I wouldn’t want to waste my time on a date with someone who was pretending to be someone else. As we saw above, many men are great at being themselves, almost aggressively so. But there’s a fine line between aggressively being yourself in a charming, “Dudes Rock” way, and being yourself in an embarrassing, or even gross way.

Think back to all those things you don’t like about yourself. Your insecurities, shortcomings, mistakes, etc. It’s true that those flaws are who you are. However, they’re only part of who you are. You’re also a lot of good stuff, probably! You’re reading this blog, which means you have great taste, and you know how to read!

For me, being myself doesn’t have to mean being impulsive, hedonistic and constantly running late. When I’m on a date, I’m trying to be the best version of myself, despite those flaws. I can only hope the person across the table is doing the same.

Fortunately, that’s exactly what happened on my first date with my girlfriend. We’ve been together long enough to become aware that we both contain imperfections, but we also know they don’t define us. We make each other happy, not because we’re perfect, but because we contain multitudes! And it feels amazing to have someone in my corner encouraging me to be the best version of myself, so of course I’ll keep trying, and doing the same for her.

Thanks for reading! If you found what I had to say about men in relationships, you might enjoy next week’s post as well! Next week, I’m planning to write about interpersonal communication between men. I don’t know exactly how many posts I’m going to devote to commentary on dudes and masculinity, but I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while, so I’m gonna.

I have to go pee now. Thanks again!
-Josh

Well, it finally happened. After two long weeks of posting in a row, I missed a weekly blog post. I’m sure you were all devastated, except for those of you who bet on the under, or whatever. I don’t know enough about gambling to confidently make jokes using its terminology.

Honestly, I’d be surprised and flattered if anyone noticed that I didn’t make a blog post last week. I don’t recall if I explicitly mentioned it on this website, but last week I was traveling with my girlfriend and her family to attend a wedding. Therefore, I wasn’t planning on writing anything, and it’s a good thing I followed through on that plan.

I typically reside in the midwest of the United States, but this wedding was in Florida. So while I was excited to soak up the sun, rather than the chilling February winds I’m used to, this wasn’t an entirely “for pleasure” trip. I hadn’t been to a destination wedding before, but it turns out that this one was more like a family reunion than a family vacation.

I was meeting a lot of people for the first time, which was a bit tiring for me, personally. Even when hanging out in a hotel on the beach, if you don’t know anyone there, it can still feel lonely. That being said, my girlfriend and her family did their best (mostly) to make sure I was comfortable. And I’m very grateful for that, considering last weekend was not about me at all.

It was about family. A different family than I’m used to, but between you and me, I hope that one day I will feel used to it, because I really love my girlfriend. On the trip, though, I noticed several stark differences between her family and mine. Some of those differences were great and fun, while others made me a bit uncomfortable.

I want to again acknowledge that this trip was obviously for someone else’s wedding, and therefore not about me at all. However, from my perspective, this was still a pretty big event for me. I was traveling with my girlfriend for only the 2nd time, and I still haven’t had much experience spending a lot of time with her family. I was meeting new people, and re-meeting others with whom I had only been briefly acquainted before.

So it was a lot of new experiences. So much new and unknown can be terrifying. When people experience new things, we desperately search through our brains for any memory that has some similarity, so we can make a comparison and have a better idea of what to expect. Or at least I do that. I was told in college that other people do the same. Something about “Uncertainty Reduction Theory” or something like that.

Many times last week, I searched through my own record of family experiences only to draw a blank. Being out of my comfort zone, combined with the stress of traveling and the stress of weddings/big family events in general, kind of freaked me out a bit. After several dinners and drinks with new people, I felt very much out of place, despite their efforts to welcome me.

However, when it came time for the toasts at the wedding reception, things began feeling familiar again. The week hadn’t been perfect, obviously. As usual with weddings, all sorts of unexpected things happened that caused plans to go awry, and required everyone involved to make adjustments. And during the father of the bride’s toast, I realized that even though everything I had experienced that week had felt so alien, I had actually seen it all before.

I won’t share too many private details of the speech, but essentially, it boiled down to this: the man was smiling as he spoke, introducing himself and thanking everyone for coming to the wedding. He acknowledged a few elephants in the room—the problems that had arisen throughout the week, which caused a lot of stress for many people in the room.

But when he acknowledged them, they didn’t seem so big or stressful as they once did. In fact, we were all able to laugh about them a bit, and he laughed as well. He mentioned how proud he was of his daughter and her new husband, and how he was excited for their future together. He invoked memories of past weddings and family events, as well as memories of older family members who had passed away and were unable to attend. Many people wiped their eyes and noses in response.

A smile appeared again on the man’s face as he gave another message to the groom. The man reassured his new son in law, in front of everyone, that he was a welcome member of the family.

And what a perfect representation of family that toast was! Family isn’t perfect. Sometimes, it sucks real bad! Families have baggage, drama, hardships and mistakes. But they work through those things together, because doing that alone would be so much worse. So I’m sure that the groom felt good to be welcomed in such an honest and heartfelt way.

But really, the man giving the toast wasn’t only welcoming one person to the family. Because if you want someone to be a part of your life, you have to be willing to include the other people who are important to them. Adding one person to your family causes a chain reaction that results in many more new family members. I realized that as he gave a final thank you, to all the people in the room, because in that moment, all of them were part of the same family.

Not all of us were related by blood or law. Once again, I knew very few people that were in the room with me. But as I listened to that speech, and saw my girlfriend smile at me, even I felt like part of that family. I thought I was just a plus-one at a wedding—just along for the ride on this trip, and at first, I was.

But at the end, I was part of everyone else in that room. We were all brought together by the bride and groom, two people who have decided to try to share one life together. It took me a while to learn the lesson, but that’s what family is. And if I want to share a life with someone, then I need to be ready to share it with everyone else in their life as well.

I wasn’t entirely sure if I was going to write this. After missing a post for my “vacation”, I hadn’t put much thought into what my next post would be until today. I’ve had to play catch-up with the rest of my life, and so this sort of feels like a rushed, half-ass post to me.

As I’m typing, I don’t know for sure that I will click publish and share it with people. But I told myself I would, and I’m still trying to follow through. So hopefully you enjoyed it! If not, then write your own blog.

Okay, love you, bye.
-Josh

Author’s Note: I started writing this back when I was planning to do a series of posts on video games/gaming culture. I don’t know how consistently I’ll stick to that theme, but I’m committed to following through on what I said last week.
It felt good to finish the post and click publish, just like I said I would. 🙂

We all know the feeling, gamers. You finally beat that level (or mission or whatever tf) that took way longer than it should’ve. The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be the dim glow of your monitor displaying the “mission complete” screen.

Is the sigh that escapes you one of frustrated relief? Or perhaps pride in your accomplishment?

Either way, the emotion is cut off before you can fully process it, as you notice an empty checkbox on the screen. To the right of the unchecked box is some text that says something like “Collect all the shiny things in the level”, “Complete the level in under 10 minutes”, or maybe “Do it again but this you have to carry a big rock from the beginning to the end”.

To us gamers, this experience is basically the equivalent of getting inducted into the baseball hall of fame with an asterisk next to your name. But unlike Barry Bonds, you have the chance to erase that asterisk. Barry can’t go back and undo the steroids, but you can play that level until your fingers bleed. So, what do you do?

Do you move on to the next mission, or maybe take a shower or something? Do you leave that screen and leave that 6th checkbox empty—absent of a checkmark? Or are you going to play that annoying level again and again until you earn that 6th checkmark?

Personally, I go back and forth. I’m more likely to do bonus objectives and side quests with good rewards. Maybe the reward is a cute costume, a better sword or a new ability of some kind. Sometimes the quest itself is the reward, because it explores an interesting side-plot or some fun characters. I always love to meet a funny little guy in a game—can’t get enough of ’em.

Recently, in the meat world (IRL), I’ve found myself lacking motivation to do almost any optional objectives. I’ve found a mostly comfortable routine, and trying to add anything new to that routine often feels like a very daunting task.

There are a lot of things I wish were more routine for me, like grocery shopping and cooking. To me, “routine” means “part of the plan”, “automatic” and “I don’t have to think about it”. My knack for overthink and catastrophizing gives me a distaste towards changes in plans.

But some video games will bring out a different side of me, like an antithesis to the routine-craving pessimist side. With each new side quest or bonus objective I find, I want to tackle it right away. Pokemon Legends Arceus is definitely one of those games.
Spoilers below, in case you care.

I’ll play for 3 hours, making 0 progress in the main story. But when I look at the side quest list and see all those checkmarks, it feels great. What causes that feeling?

Why do I like side quests in games? And can that answer make me better at all my IRL side quests, like grocery shopping and laundry?

Well, I’ve already mentioned rewards for side quests above. Aside from the checkmarks, most requests in the game also reward you with items/resources, or access to new areas and Pokemon. Plus, I just like running around in the game and looking at the world.

But I think part of my willingness to mix it up when gaming is because it’s smaller changes in plans. Doing a spur of the moment side quest means I press buttons and stare at a screen in a different way than I had initially planned, but I’m still just pressing buttons and staring at a screen.

So there are lots of reasons why side quests in games are fun, or at least worth doing. Ultimately, I found that at least 2 of them applied to real life:

1. Better Stats – In most of the games I play, doing side quests gives you improved stats. Either you gain experience points towards leveling up, or maybe you gain better resources or items, allowing you to perform better in game.
As I’ve established before, there’s no IRL experience bar. However, you can still improve your stats IRL. Some stats are easy to measure in numbers, like height and weight, or 40-yard-dash time, or standardized test scores. But those stats aren’t affected by every side quest—a clean room probably won’t help you increase your squat PR.
Sometimes the stat improvement will just be a feeling. Maybe you’ll feel stronger, smarter, or even an increase in the most important stats: happiness and self-worth.

2. Get Your Money’s Worth – Most brand-new video games cost roughly $60. And ideally, each one will provide $60 worth of fun for whomever purchases it. Obviously, that’s not always the case, because some games suck! If I’m not enjoying a game, I don’t want to play through all of the bonus content—I’d rather just play a different game.
Real life costs a different amount depending on who you are and where you live, but it’s definitely a lot more than $60. And when I’m not having fun with my life, “play a different one” doesn’t feel like a great solution.
I’m pretty much stuck with the one life I have, and it really sucks sometimes. The pacing, especially, could use some work. The bad parts feel too long, and the good parts are over so quickly. Plus, none of it is going to last. All the resources and stats I grind for are destined to slowly atrophy to nothing over time, so maybe there’s no point to doing any extra content after all? Maybe I should’ve only chosen one reason.
This really backfired on me

But actually, there is a resource that won’t go away: memories. Don’t believe me? What about when you’re trying to fall asleep, and you remember some embarrassing outfit you wore in middle school? Or saying “you, too” to a cashier who tells you to have a good lunch? Those memories stick with you, baby, maybe forever!

So here’s the strat: Make new, more fun memories to compete with the annoying ones. Play the hand/game you’re dealt the best you can, and try to have some fun.

Routines are comfortable, easy and safe. Adding something extra can seem unnecessary. But each time you do a side quest, try something new, or even just do something out of the ordinary or on a whim, it’s going to be more memorable than just doing the same old thing.

I can look back on unhappy periods of my life, sometimes weeks, sometimes months or more, and have no single memory other than a general feeling of unhappiness. Just going through the motions of my routine.

There are also moments and split seconds, from early childhood to even a few days ago, that I can remember every detail from. Some of those memories are happy, some are sad. So many leave me questioning why I remember them at all. But each memory I have is proof that life does mean something.

I’m not planning on one-hundred-percent-ing life, but I’ve been trying to do more side-content to create more memories. Not every bonus objective I have is terribly rewarding, and not all of them are fun or exciting. Several are real chores, if you know what I mean. But for each item on the list, even the less rewarding ones, I still get the satisfaction of knowing that I found an objective, a goal, a purpose, and accomplished it.

And you know what that means, baby: that sweet, sweet checkmark.

Thanks for reading 🙂
Love, Josh

In many ways, life is not at all like a video game. The foremost difference between the two concepts (IMO), is this: Games typically allow for limitless attempts, but life is not so generous. Sadly, despite medicinal advances, there isn’t a way to earn a 1-Up in real life. I guess some people have technically died and been brought back to life, but that’s not really the same as completely restarting from your last checkpoint or whatever.

Even for circumstances that aren’t quiet as dramatic as death, we are rarely given do-overs in life. When you fail an exam in school, some kind teachers or professors might allow you to redo it, but usually an F is an F. In a job interview, if you say something that the interviewer doesn’t like, you probably won’t get the job. And unfortunately, you probably won’t be able to restart and pick a different dialogue option.

Author’s Note: if you have Ashton Kutcher’s weird time travel power from The Butterfly Effect (2004), these examples might not apply to you.

For some people (Read: Me, Josh), this leads to a feeling of being unable to make mistakes. At least not without life imploding or ending. So when I do mess up, which is plenty of the time, I am very hard on myself. I can’t help the feeling in the back of my mind that there’s only so many mistakes I can make before my game life is over.

It’s generally pretty healthy to remind myself that life isn’t a game. When I think about, say, running across a busy highway to reach the other side, it’s good to remember that unlike Frogger, I will not return to life if I get run over by a U-Haul. However, I recently began thinking about the ways life does mimic videogames, or vice versa.

For example: grinding. Even people who are naturally talented or gifted at certain activities need to grind up a bit to become the best. It’s just the rules. You’ve gotta catch a hundred or so crayfish to level up your fishing stat before you can reel in a swordfish or a shark.

Author’s Note: Please do not fish for sharks they are wonderful creatures.

However, when it comes to both in-game and IRL grinding, most people don’t enjoy it very much. I always feel great after grinding out reps at the gym to level up my STR or DEX, yet it still feels like such a hassle to work out.

Not to be too much of a critic, but IMO the leveling curve in life needs some work. Games seem to reward your grinding with real results at a much faster and more consistent pace. Life’s level-ups are far slower, and often don’t seem to make any real difference in our stats or abilities. Or at least they seem that way.

It would be helpful if I could look up and see a little blue bar filling up each time I go to the gym or cook a new meal or whatever. Sadly, that’s not the case, and I rarely give myself much credit for the progress I have made. But: I’m trying to be better about that going forward, and trying does at least count for something.

Ok folks, I know I said last time that I’d be posting more consistently, so thank you for bearing with me. I really DO want to write more, but I’ve been putting the ole blog on the backburner. I can’t promise anything, but I’m going to try to write another post sometime next week.

It’s already in the works, so I have high hopes. That being said, I’m not going to commit to anything more than that lol. As of late, I’ve been managing my expectations a bit differently–trying to keep them more realistic and not put so much on my plate at once.

It’s gone well so far, so hopefully it translates to the blog!

Take care, and until next time 🙂
Josh

That’s right baby I’m back. They tried to kill me. But I’m back. Update: I got a new job and now I’ll be traveling a lot for work, even though, you know, everyone should be staying inside as much as possible right now.

But what can I say, folks? I’m a company man through and through. I simply live to leverage my experience and create value for [Company Name Redacted].

In reality, depending on the airline you use, it’s not quite as scary as people make it out to be. I’d recommend choosing one of them that is keeping their middle seats open. I think all of them are requiring masks to be worn, but I could be wrong. (Side note, it will be wild like 30 years from now when kids are like “wait what everyone was wearing masks???”; alternatively, humanity could die out before then, who knows?)

At this point, my little baby brain is still thoroughly pleased by the novelty of being on a plane, as I’ve only flown a handful of times. And I’ve grown accustomed to the whole mask thing enough that I’ve actually fallen asleep while wearing one, so that doesn’t bother me too much either. So all in all, the traveling is kinda neat. For now.

I don’t really travel to super interesting places–I’m currently stuck in the Nashville airport waiting for a delayed flight to take me to a town I’ve never heard of in Virginia–so it’s more interesting to me to write about the journey instead of the destination.

I’ve been in this airport for about an hour and a half now, and I’ve heard multiple fire alarms go off. I have yet to see any fires, so… fingers crossed I guess. Also: this airport has its own merchandise. That’s weird, right? I mean look at this shit.

Like I said, my airport experience is limited, but even if most airports have their own branded merchandise, that just seems even weirder.

Why? Who is like “Oh damn I love this airport I gotta get myself the new tank top they just put out“?? Very strange to me. They’re an airport, not an indie artist.

And why do they need to sell merch in the first place? Are they not making enough money by charging me $14 for a whiskey and ginger-ale? (Thank god I didn’t order a double this time.)

Furthermore: Why are they not spending those profits on some damn air conditioning? It’s so hot I had to take off my warm-up pullover (featured above)–the core of my go-to airplane fit.

Another good investment would be more lunch options. I spent $8 on like 6 slices of cheese, 6 crackers, and a handful of grapes. I’m told this is a Nashville delicacy. Luckily I also bought some cashews, the price of which I chose to ignore/repress from memory.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too lengthy in this post, but since I have a bit more time to write as well as more subject matter. So expect more posts in the future! I’ll probably start with some travel tips. Traveling: Josh-Style.

Until then, peace out. Wear a mask and stay 6 feet away from each other, you freaks.

Love,
Josh