Part 2: How Dudes Be Talkin
After a week off, I’m back, folks. I’m going to do my best to push myself to write every week, but I must admit that it is definitely easier to write a post every two weeks. However, I’m not ready to cut back to that yet!
So fellas—though to be clear, everyone is welcome to participate—what did we learn from that last post? Hopefully you didn’t feel too attacked, because again, that’s not my goal. I want this to be a conversation, not a lecture.
But really, did you identify with any of the experiences I mentioned in the last post? Have you experienced something similar? Or maybe wildly different? I’ve always been fascinated by dating stories, so please share if you have a good one!
I’d like for us to broaden our horizons from our previous niche of “men on dates”. In college, I studied a lot of interpersonal communication, and a lot of the courses I took examined communication through a gendered lens. From a very early age, we’re taught to tailor our communication strategies and choices depending on the sex and gender of our audience.
There are plenty of examples in film and television where a male character is told something along the lines of “you shouldn’t talk that way in front of a lady.” We all know that one, right fellas? Maybe we’ve even heard it in real life as well. You can’t say certain things in front of women. Why? To be honest, I don’t often hear any reasoning for it, and the reasons I have heard usually don’t seem to apply universally.
But regardless, that’s the rule, right? If there’s a girl around, there’s stuff you just can’t say. But as soon as the girl is gone, you can say whatever you want!
Maybe that’s what leads to another cliché often seen on the screen, the “no girls allowed” sign. And that has its own set of problems, obviously. Gatekeeping is generally uncool, because no one likes feeling excluded. But as a dude, I have always been allowed past those signs, and I can tell you that the club isn’t always that fun.
Men, think about the last conversation you had with your male friends. What does that conversation generally look like? What do you talk about? Movies? Sports? Videogames? Beer? What sort of things do you say to each other?
Typically, I’d like to think that my male friends and I are able to avoid doing and saying things that might fall under the “toxic masculinity” umbrella. But if someone read a transcript of our last conversation, probably a lot of our conversations, I’m not sure the reader could tell that we’re friends.
Scene 1 — The fellas are at their local Chili’s Grill & Bar, enjoying some drinks together. JOHN takes a sip of his light beer.
RYAN: How’s that light beer taste, you little bitch?
JOHN: It tastes like fuck you, asshole.
I can imagine explaining to the reader “See, here, when Ryan calls John a ‘little bitch’ for drinking light beer, and John responds ‘fuck you, asshole’, they’re being facetious. Just teasing a little bit, you know? Busting each other’s balls. Most of the group laughed after that exchange.”
What do you think? Do John and Ryan have a close, caring friendship? I would say no, because I just made those characters up and wrote that scene in 3 minutes. But regardless of if you answered yes or no, we have things to discuss.
I won’t pretend that’s not a perfect representation of how dudes talk to each other, but I can assure you that I’ve heard many, many exchanges that strike a similar tone. One guy turns to another guy and says something that is pretty much objectively mean to say, even if he was “just joking around, bro”.
A lot of times this can take the form of an appearance-based insult. Maybe your shoes are dirty, or (perhaps worse) too clean. Your black jacket makes you look like an edgelord, or your green phone case is flamboyant or girly. Are you trying a new hairstyle? You’d better be ready to hear about it from the fellas.
Side note: In contrast to the typical male friend group behavior, I’ve recently been spending a lot of time with a group of people in which I’m the only he/him-identifying member. I don’t think any of the others in that group have ever insulted what I was wearing. In fact, they’re very often explicitly supportive of each other, including me, whenever someone decides to wear something new or exciting. And yet, they still offer constructive criticism of a style choice if they’re asked for it.
Honestly, the more time I spend with that group, the better I feel about myself. I’m thankful for that positivity. Food for thought, fellas.
Now let’s jump back to Saturday (which is for the boys, if you hadn’t heard back in 2013). Imagine now, that you’re the other guy, who’s had his shoes/jacket/phone/hair criticized by someone he calls his friend. You’ve been insulted, rather ruthlessly, and all eyes are on you. What do you do?
I typically respond by laughing it off, denying it, or maybe I’ll just say something equally mean, or meaner back to them. But one option that never crosses my mind is to say “hey, that hurt my feelings.” And often, that’s ok, because often we are truly just joking, and my feelings are truly not hurt.
But when a joke goes to far, or when something does hurt my feelings, I still almost never think to admit it. Admitting that I’ve been hurt in some way is showing weakness, and men are pretty heavily conditioned not to do that. Instead you’re supposed to “be a man” or “man up”, although no one has ever really told me how.
From what I’ve seen, to “man up”, one can choose from a few different options:
- Conceal any pain you might be feeling
- Yell at someone
- Say something to hurt someone or make them feel small
- Threaten someone
- Hit something or break something
- Hit someone
- Storm off
I could go on, but I might get depressed. I’ve seen close friends do all of these things to each other. I’m not proud to say that I’ve even done some of these things before myself.
Sure, sometimes we do out of character things when we’re upset, and/or under the influence of alcohol or other substances. And sometimes these behaviors blow over very quickly, or before they’ve even happened. Sometimes someone stops once they realize what they’re doing.
Maybe some of these behaviors have an appropriate time and place, but do you think your friends deserve to have any of these things done to them? I don’t. These are objectively poor problem solving methods.
I used to think that when someone hurt me, I might have to hurt them in response, to show them how they made me feel and make them think twice before doing it again. But that doesn’t really solve the problem. It just brings more trauma into that relationship. And where does that end? Do you just keep hurting each other back and forth? That outcome seems far more likely that making things “even”.
Personally, I struggle to admit vulnerability. I’m also very impulsive. When someone hurts me, my brain usually jumps to one of the things I listed above before I’ve thought about saying “I felt hurt/small/bad when you said/did that.” But just like you, I assume, I’m trying to improve. I still have more work to do, but I have already gotten better!
That’s my piece, now it’s your turn again (because this is a conversation, remember?) What do you think? Am I being too sensitive about the fellas busting each others’ balls?
I have plenty more to say about the communicative behaviors of men, but for now, I have to get ready for a date. I think I’ll wear something new and fun, because I know my girlfriend will support me if I do 🙂
Thanks for reading!
-Josh
Room Temperature Coffee 