A few entries ago (hopefully this sounds better than “last year”) I wrote about the “Dudes Rock” phenomenon. And while I still hold true to the Dudes Rock philosophy, I must air some grievances I have with you, dudes. But where to start?
There are already enough posts on the internet devoted to scolding men for being bad. For the record, I don’t think all men are bad! Some of my best friends are men! So don’t think of this as a scolding, but a discussion. Kind of like “the fellas” groupchat, you know? A brainstorming session to figure out how to be good, or be better.
So again, not scolding, but the first step to improvement requires us to acknowledge the areas where we have room for improvement.
Part 1: Dudes on dates
Context: About a year ago, I decided to get back into the dating game. My last relationship ended in January of 2018, and after graduation I felt like I needed to prioritize other things (read: get my shit together) before thinking about dating again. That process took a lot longer than I thought, and is actually still going on, but that’s ok.
Long story short, I went on quite a few dates last summer. At least enough to notice a pattern of me accidentally impressing women. “Accidentally” as in: doing stuff I thought was just basic human decency. To show you what I mean, I’ve prepared a little slideshow.
Disclaimer–The following poorly drawn images depict the anecdotal dating experiences of the author. The author’s dating experiences almost solely consist of a man and a woman meeting each other for dinner and/or drinks at a restaurant of some kind.
The author is aware of how boring he is, and he is fine with that.
After you get to their car, you’re on your own. Or, if you want more advice, you’ll have to consult me privately–though I’ll warn you my fee is not modest.
So, are any of those behaviors worth the surprised praise they received? You tell me! Leave a comment, tweet at me, whatever you want!
I’d like to think I provide a pretty good date experience, but some of the people I met were legitimately surprised at this stuff. More than once, I heard something like:
“Wow, so you’re just a really nice guy, huh?”
Yes? I hope so? I don’t always feel very nice, but I do try to be kind and respectful to other people. Especially someone who agrees to go out on a date with me!
Sure, it always feels nice to receive praise. But it kind of bums me out that these women consider me an impressively nice guy compared to whomever else they’ve dated. Clearing the bar doesn’t feel as good after you realize just how low the bar is. Why are the expectations for men so low?
Well, for one, going on a date is a vulnerable experience. Asking someone on a date is also a very vulnerable experience, and one that is more common for men, due to societal expectations, etc. Exposing yourself to that vulnerability is scary. And when we’re scared, we tend to become a little more selfish. It’s just a natural instinct.
Fellas, I can understand making some poor choices or honest mistakes in the dating game due to feeling self-conscious. I’ve been there many times. But standards don’t fall this low due to coincidence or a few honest mistakes, so there must be something more.
Part of the “Dudes Rock” mantra is being secure in one’s self. Many men will just do whatever they want, or whatever feels good to them, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I shared many examples of this in my original “Men Are Trash, but Dudes Rock” post, such as:
Imagine this–You’re talking to a friend, one you’ve known and trusted for a long time. You say to them: “I have a date on Friday night. What do I do?” How do they respond?
If this were a Family Feud question, my guess would be: “Just be yourself.”
If this were an episode of Seinfeld and you were George Costanza, you’d say something like: “Be myself?! I can’t be myself, nobody likes that guy!”
George has a point. When you think about you, you think of all your flaws and shortcomings. Exposing them to someone else seems like a surefire way to turn your first date into your last date. But trust me on this, your friend is much smarter than George Costanza. Listen to them.
As scary as it is, when you’re on a date, you should be yourself. I wouldn’t want to waste my time on a date with someone who was pretending to be someone else. As we saw above, many men are great at being themselves, almost aggressively so. But there’s a fine line between aggressively being yourself in a charming, “Dudes Rock” way, and being yourself in an embarrassing, or even gross way.
Think back to all those things you don’t like about yourself. Your insecurities, shortcomings, mistakes, etc. It’s true that those flaws are who you are. However, they’re only part of who you are. You’re also a lot of good stuff, probably! You’re reading this blog, which means you have great taste, and you know how to read!
For me, being myself doesn’t have to mean being impulsive, hedonistic and constantly running late. When I’m on a date, I’m trying to be the best version of myself, despite those flaws. I can only hope the person across the table is doing the same.
Fortunately, that’s exactly what happened on my first date with my girlfriend. We’ve been together long enough to become aware that we both contain imperfections, but we also know they don’t define us. We make each other happy, not because we’re perfect, but because we contain multitudes! And it feels amazing to have someone in my corner encouraging me to be the best version of myself, so of course I’ll keep trying, and doing the same for her.
Thanks for reading! If you found what I had to say about men in relationships, you might enjoy next week’s post as well! Next week, I’m planning to write about interpersonal communication between men. I don’t know exactly how many posts I’m going to devote to commentary on dudes and masculinity, but I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while, so I’m gonna.
I have to go pee now. Thanks again!
-Josh
Room Temperature Coffee 